yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
