I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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