So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
