Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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