We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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