she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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