I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
