thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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