My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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