I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize