i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
