goodnight i made you a song goodbye
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
