found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize