this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
