the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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