Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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