I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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