I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
