capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize