I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
