so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
