Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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