I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
