I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
