She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize