Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
