The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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