I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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