Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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