Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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