I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
