2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
