There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
