There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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