nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
