maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
