How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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