My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
