So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
