I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
