Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my liver is dry heaving
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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