So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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