I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
