i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
