She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
