You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
