You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have tasted many bathrooms
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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