The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize