you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
