I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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