Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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