I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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