I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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