I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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