I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
