Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
