This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize