Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
