No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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