I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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