I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize