My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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