He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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