I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
