i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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